PART 4
FAMILY PROBLEMS
A. CONFLICTS
Headway PreIntermediate
UNIT 9 Family
RELATIONSHIPS
& Reading 1
THE TRIUMPHANT MARRIAGE
OVER THE CAUSE OF MARRIAGE, ARGUMENTS ARE INEVITABLE. HERE IS HOW TO HANDLE STRIFE борьба; спор; ссора; несогласие PRODUCTIVELY.
I know a couple who fight like cats and dogs, but they are wildly in love with each other. What’s more, they have one of the healthiest marriages I know. Does that shock you?
If it does, get ready for some bigger surprises. My 30 years as a psychologist have slowly taught me a difficult-to-believe fact: the amount of conflict in a marriage only determines the speed at which the marriage is moving toward greatness or toward destruction.
If you want to sit still in your marriage, rule out all conflict. If you want your marriage to crash and burn, let conflict rage but refuse to learn the skills necessary for managing it. Well-managed conflict is like a stairway that can lead you to higher and higher levels of marital greatness.
I get nervous when couples come to me for premarital counselling and say they’ve never had a single argument. They are complete strangers to a crucial part of married life. They don’t have the slightest idea about their combined skilfulness to handle that part of marriage that brings so much potential for positive or negative change.
If any couple thinks they are not going to have disagreements, they are tragically self-deceived and headed for trouble. Almost 50 percent of all divorces take place within three years of the wedding day. Think of that! Couples get married, encounter conflict, and give up – all within three years.
There are two points about this that I find disturbing. First, these couples must have been profoundly unaware of how challenging it is to make a marriage work, and they were certainly unaware of the number of conflicts that would arise.
Secondly, they must have been alarmingly ill-equipped to handle their conflicts. The management of conflict is a complex but entirely learnable skill. Unfortunately, these couples never developed this skill, at least not to the required level of proficiency.
Let me make this point clearly:
Conflict is a necessary part of every marriage for as long as that marriage lasts. If there is no conflict, or if conflict suddenly slows down or levels off, it is a sign that something is wrong with the marriage. There are countless reasons for no conflict, but they all indicate a reduction in that part of a marriage that gives it the potential for growth and change.
WHY IS CONFLICT SO IMPORTANT?
To have a great marriage, there must be two authentic partners. Authenticity involves the full and free expression of each person’s true self, with all of its uniqueness. When both people are fully authentic, their complete agreement of everything is highly unlikely. Some conflict is inevitable.
I remember a quote I read 20 or more years ago. Ruth Bell Graham, wife of the renowned evangelist, was asked if she and Billy always agreed on everything. “My goodness, no!” she said. “ If we did, there would be no need for one of us.”
What Mrs. Graham implied is truly profound. A relationship doesn’t need both of its partners if they are exactly the same. The wonderful thing you do for your marriage is to share that part of you that is different from your mate. But as sure as you share your differences, there is bound to be conflict. This is the kind of healthy conflict, though, that gives you the opportunity to expand your marriage.
Here’s an example: If you like country music and your spouse loves classical, the two of you face a challenge. Every time the subject comes up, you can each deliver a few critical remarks designed to make the other person’s musical preference look silly. Or you can hate every moment you listen to your mate’s music.
There’s another option, however. You might say something like: “You know, Honey, you love classical music, and I love country. I suspect that we could come to appreciate each other’s musical tastes if we worked at it a little. I would really like to do that. What do you think?”
Therein lies a marriage-building strategy designed to expand the boundaries of your corporate lives and to increase the musical-interest range of your relationship.
Imagine a marriage in which one person wants everything about their lives together to be precisely the same. This simply wouldn’t be much of a marriage; it would merely be two people living one life. For the person whose uniqueness was ignored and never incorporated, there would inevitably be a sense of not counting much, an intense feeling that his or her ideas, tastes and preferences were unimportant, unnecessary and unwanted.
Conversely, a marriage in which each person brings ideas, attitudes and approaches – even to the point of creating disagreements – is a marriage that will build on the best that both partners have to offer.
The bottom line is this: Conflict that is mismanaged can destroy a marriage. It can turn the whole relationship into a battleground where the only winners are sure to be eventual losers – and the losers are sure to be filled with resentment.
If the couple decides to eliminate all conflict in the name of maintaining peace, there will be a terrible price to pay. The individuals’ uniqueness is likely to become more repressed and stifled. They will have to develop a mask to hide their frustration. This kind of relationship is bound to become cold and distant.
When two people find themselves together for a lifetime – both with an abundance of thoughts, feelings, opinions and interests – they have a chance to build a magnificent marriage. Blending the uniqueness of one partner with the uniqueness of the other takes great skill, but a potential for a totally new corporate identity with maximum breadth and depth is an incredibly valuable goal to pursue.
EIGHT SECRETS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The good news is that even the most entrenched conflict avoiders can improve. In fact, even those who are pretty good at setting their differences can improve and become experts at conflict resolution.
Based upon the thousands of cases I’d worked with and my 36-years marriage to my wife, Marylyn, I’ve come up with eight tips that will help you clear conflict from the road of love.
· 1. Recognize marriage as a “we” business.
I place this secret in the number-one position because I’ve never seen it fail. Any couple that gains a “we” perspective eventually experiences great success in marriage. But a marriage starts to shrivel вянуть when it becomes a matter of two “I’s.”
· 2. `Process the data as quickly as possible.
Even though conflicts can lead to expansion and growth, there’s nothing wonderful about prolonged conflict. The secret is to get it out in the open and deal with it. That’s why some people who fight like cats and dogs have an advantage. All the important facts and feelings are expressed quickly and unequivocally.
· 3. Stick to the subject.
Nothing is quite so frustrating разочаровывающий in the middle of a conflict as an emotion-laden comment that is totally unrelated to the subject at hand. Such comments are thoroughly distracting, and they stall стопорить any effort to move toward resolution.
· 4. Don’t intimidate.
When the heat is turned up and things get a little mean, some people become focused on self-preservation. They fear losing part of themselves in the process of hashing out a disagreement. Panic builds, and they start throwing verbal punches. They become obsessed with winning – or at least not losing.
· 5. No name-calling.
I venture to guess that not a single marital conflict in the history of mankind was ever resolved because one person called the other a derogatory name. It doesn’t matter how creative the disparaging label is – if it meant to depreciate and demean the other party it isn’t going to help overcome the problem.
Every couple should establish this rule: In the middle of the conflict, no matter how heated or intense, there will be no name-calling.
· 6. Turn up your listening sensitivity.
In the midst of conflict, there is absolutely nothing that produces gains as dramatically as listening. But believe me, I understand that when you are fuming about some intense issue, the last thing you want to do is listen.
When I open myself to what my partner is saying, resolution has begun. It works like magic. When you are listened to, you aren’t nearly so eager to win at the other person’s expense. To be listened to makes you want to listen.
· 7. Practice give and take.
Many of us have grown up earning after, and fighting for, an individual attainment. So we enter marriage with a propensity склонность to take. What we must understand is that marriage is a partnership and, therefore, requires both give and take to be successful.
Some people have learned to give generously and freely, and they seem to have no expectation of getting in return. Show me a marriage in which one person has mastered the art of giving, and I’ll show you a marriage in which conflict gets resolved quickly and completely.
· 8. Celebrate every victory.
Why is it that we often fail to recognize our victories? After the dust has settled and peace is restored, take your lover in your arms and say, “We did it, Honey. We were totally at odds and, yes, it was tense there for a while. But we overcame the hurdle. Congratulations!”
HOW DO YOU FIGHT?
Couples adopt all kinds of conflict-management styles to deal with their differences. Some are highly successful, while others never work. Let me outline three of the most common styles of handling conflict.
· 1. Cats and Dogs
This style tends to get the matter resolved quickly, but it may leave one or both spouses battered and bruised (at least emotionally). This is the style characterised by yelling, waving arms and pointing fingers. It’s loud, explosive and in-your-face.
What are the benefits of handling conflicts in a cats-and-dogs style. For one thing, all the feeling and thoughts are presented early. Every shred частица, йота, малаятолика of evidence is introduced through the use of adrenaline-induced energy. There are no secrets; everything is out in the open. The intensity and passion create a tremendous amount of brain activity and verbal expression.
The downside of this approach? Most people do not have a strong enough to handle it. Any mistake is magnified many times because of all the passion involved. With the adrenaline allowing, the partners may resort to name-calling or even bring out old unresolved issues. For those who don’t know how to channel the energy and hot emotions, this style of conflict can get nasty.
· 2. Rational and Orderly
With this approach, both parents sit down together and calmly explain their opinions, examine all sides of the issue, dialogue back and forth, and then come to some sort of consensus. This approach is generally preferable. There may be tension, but is doesn’t escalate into yelling or storming around the house.
· 3. Bury It and Forget It.
Sometimes couples will experience a conflict that seems too difficult and too dangerous to talk about. So they will silently agree to leave the conflict alone, to simply let it be.
I have known thousands of couples who have developed a highly consistent style of conflict management. They pretend it doesn’t exist! Perhaps they feel ill-equipped to deal with it verbally. Or perhaps they fear their “terrible temper”, or their mate’s terrible temper, will get out of control. Whatever the reason, they look the other way when conflict occurs.
When a married couple remained silent about their conflict, they are headed for destruction. I have found this to be a consistent trait among marriages: The relationship stops growing and expanding at the point that conflict is no longer processed.
If a couple cannot process their differences, as they would in a “ rational and orderly approach ”, they simply cannot move forward.
From ‘The Triumphant Marriage” by Dr. Neil Clark Warren
4 Do the following exercise
1. Explain or paraphrase the following:
1. My husband's thoughtlessness gets me down.
2. We have endless rows.
3. They must have been alarmingly ill-equipped to handle their conflicts.
4. Conflict can turn the whole relationship into a battleground.
5. When the heat is turned up and things get a little mean, some people become focused on self-preservation.
6. Panic builds, and they start throwing verbal punches.
7. They become obsessed with winning.
8. After the dust has settled and peace is restored, take your lover in your arms and say, “We did it, Honey.”
9. We were totally at odds.
10. But we overcame the hurdle.
11. premaritalcounselling
12. corporateidentity
13. anemotion-laden comment