The roommate situation is the first challenge students face. Learning to tolerate a stranger’s idiosyncrasies may teach flexibility and the art of compromise. But the learning process is often painful. At Ithaca College in Upstate New York, Julie Noel and her roommate were uncommunicative and uncomfortable throughout the year. “I kept my stereo up once for a whole day just to test her because she was so timid”, says Noel. “It took her until dinnertime to finally turn it off”. Near year’s end, the two ended up in a screaming fight. “Looking back, I wish I had talked to her more about how I was feeling”, says Noel.
Most roommate conflicts spring from such small, irritating differences. Susie Orr, director of housing at Indiana’s St. Mary’s College, says that the matching process is complicated: “Do you put together people who are similar - or different, so they can learn about each other?”
Alan Sussman at the University of Maryland says: “I think they must have known each of our personalities and picked the opposite”. While Sussman was neat and a compulsive studier, his roommate was messy and liked to party into the early hours. Sussman considered moving out at the end of the semester, but decided to stay and “fight it out”. Against all odds, the two ended up being friends. Says Sussman: “We taught each other a lot”.
There are many stories of college roommates becoming lifelong friends. Singers Jean Norris and Renee Neufville of the soul duo Zhane started writing songs while rooming together at Temple University in Philadelphia. After breaking up with their boyfriends within 24 hours of each other, they managed to compose their way out of the blues.
“U.S. News & World Report”
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NOTES:
idiosyncrasies – somebody’s individual qualities / habits.
TEXT 10. IS YOUR FRIEND HARD WORK?
Last month my friend Kate’s boyfriend finished with her. Tears? She could have flooded rivers. But I’m a good friend, I know there are times in every girl’s life when she really needs the firm but gentle shoulder of her best friend.
So I spent a week confined with Kate in her bedroom. I endured hours listening to her misery, making steaming mugs of hot chocolate and watching her eat packet after packet of biscuits.
By Saturday, she was beginning to feel better. Great, I thought. I was more than ready for a night out. Besides, it was just what Kate needed.
And then it happened; I was just getting ready to go out when Kate telephoned. I wouldn’t be dancing that night. Kate had twisted her ankle and was in need of more tea and sympathy. The following week Kate failed a mathematics exam, and left her new coat on the bus. I provided all the support, encouragement and advice I could over these crises. Then, to cheer her up, I lent her my favourite purple velvet jacket…and she splashed it with tomato juice. Kind, patient, caring person that I am, there are limits to my tolerance. I’m not a bad friend, but there has to be more to friendship than being a full-time shoulder to cry on. Right?
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We’ve all got a Kate. The friend who turns up in the middle of the night desperate to talk, the one who calls you, in tears, several times a day. She is the Walking Disaster, the friend to whom you can’t say NO. Kate is what is known as a High Maintenance Friend. And, although I always think to myself “poor Kate”, I also can’t help wondering, could she be playing some part in causing her own disasters? I mean, who else has six crises a day? OK, I’ll admit that being the strong one in the friendship makes me feel great in some ways, but Kate’s series of dramas also leave me feeling exhausted and resentful. What’s more, when I have difficult times, Kate hardly knows about them.
When I started seeing more of my other friends, I hoped Kate would get the message and back off a bit. Instead she just got upset and made sulky little comments when I didn’t call her back. Sometimes the only thing to do with such friendships is to end them. If you can live with the guilt, you may feel lots of relief in the long run.
So why don’t I just get rid of this selfish so-called friend? Well, it’s just not as easy as that. Kate and I go way back to primary school days. The thought of giving up our shared history is just too much to bear. Besides, she’s fun – sometimes. Life without her is unthinkable. But life with her is hardly a bottomless bowl of Häagen –Dazs either.
All I really wanted was to take the pressure off myself, so I decided that Kate and I needed a gentle heart-to-heart. It was risky – I didn’t want my old friend to feel totally rejected, so I started out by marking it clear how much I value her.
Then – deep breath – I explained that she needed more from me than I can give. I suggested that she talk to other friends as well as me when she needs support. The silence and Kate’s frozen stare seemed to indicate that this could be the point where our friendship would end. The longer her silence lasted, the more I talked to fill the air, finally convincing myself that I was a really bad friend.
Kate didn’t call me for days after that, but when she did phone about a week later, she was the happy, fun Kate I know and love. Sure, I heard about the latest drama in her life, but not for hours. And she actually… asked questions about me!
These days, Kate has a network of new friends, and the balance in our relationship is getting better. Now, when I see Kate, I really enjoy her company – and she’s happier too.
No-one is saying that you should only love your friends when they’re up, and cross the street to avoid them when they’re down. But when you’re doing all the giving and your friend is just taking, it’s time to weigh it up. Remember you have a right to say NO!
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TEXT 11. NO GETTING AROUND IT: